Helicopter Parent?

Today I am having an identity crisis. I have this view of myself as a parent that I'm pretty cool. I always say my parenting philosophy is "Keeping it Real,"and talk to them (and listen to them)like they are adults, this is especially important if that is how you want them to behave. I am direct and I don't pull any punches, usually this works for me. According to my daughter's friends I'm pretty cool. I'm not sure she agrees, but then she has to live with me.

I was just surfing the web when I came across another parenting blog and it had an article about Helicopter Parenting. Helicopter Parenting is defined as a parent that hovers over their child's life trying to protect them from any negative experience. Helicopter parents generally are the parents that try to prevent their children from suffering the consequences for their choices and actions, and defend their children against every perceived injustice regardless of their child's responsibility in the situation. These are also the parents that micromanage every aspect of their children's lives. At least that was my definition of what a helicopter parent was.

I immediately dismissed the idea that I could be a helicopter parent, I mean after all my daughter has never had a bed time in her life, she gets herself up in the morning, she goes to bed at reasonable hour. In fact I make fun of her because she likes to be in bed by nine. I sometime don't know how I produced this child, she is so different from me. So clearly I don't micromanage. I don't rush to get her out of situations she has gotten into. I don't check her homework everyday... in fact I dislike helping with homework. And I try, this is hardest part for me, to let her work out her own issues and fight her own battles. Now, she might disagree with this statement primarily because I let her know what I think and I am not always as level headed as I should be.

But then came the example that pierced my heart... Surveillance Helicopter parenting mode. It described parents that check their kids text messages, and facebook, and myspace messages. That review their kid's friends profiles to see if they are a good fit. This one hurt. Let me explain... I do some of this.

My Space. Have you been on my space and have you seen the things the kids put on their profiles? First let me say I did allow my daughter have a my space page once she was Jr. High. My reasoning for that is that she would likely have one any way, and I would rather know about it. Also, this allowed me to set some limits. For example, she was not and is not permitted to accept friend requests from people she does not know. Her profile is private so if you don't know her you can't view it or her pictures, and the kicker she has to have her password saved on the machine. This is just to let her know I can check if I feel the need to. This is not an option I exercise regularly. I have my own myspace account and my surveillance generally includes viewing her profile page and her posted comments. My view on this is that the rest of the world can read them, so I can too. I want to know what message she is sending to the world about who she is. That message will determine not only how the world will view her, but also determine how the world will treat her as well.

I do not read her private messages or email, or even her text messages. She has not given me any indication that she cannot be trusted, and I do not want to violate her privacy in this manner. When I was a teenager my parents read my diary, and I promptly got in trouble, and what I remember most was the feeling of outrage I had that they had read my personal thoughts. I wasn't even sorry for what they discovered or what I did because I was so angry about the invasion of my privacy. I do not want to invade my daughter's privacy in that manner. This is not to say there aren't times when I parent may need to do this. But it should only because you feel your child is in serious trouble or in danger.

The final piece of my surveillance, I also check her friends pages. This is made easier by the fact that many of them have friend requested me, which I find funny. I do this because I want to know the kids she hangs out with. There is an old saying that says, show me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are. People hang out with people that share their views, and values. Her friends are an insight into her world. Plus, their pages are often good conversation starters about the messages they are sending to the world and what the consequences of those messages might be. For example, I recently saw a picture on a friends page where the girls were taking pictures of simulated sex pose, I'm sure they thought this was a funny joke. I explained to my daughter that the message they are sending is that they are willing to do those things, and that other people will see that and form an opinion on their character based on the message they are sending. The message being they are sexually promiscuous. The consequence of that message is that boys will then only see them as sexual objects for fun and not as nice girls that deserve to be treated with respect. Later these girls will wonder why nice boys want nothing to do with them, or people expect them to be sexual with them very quickly. These are mistakes I hope she can avoid.

Do you think it's inappropriate to monitor her page as well as the pages of her friends? Is this so wrong? I don't think so.

The truth is the Internet is awesome, but it can be a dangerous world. If my child is going to have a presence on the Internet, I want her to use caution and good judgement about what information and images she is making available. I don't want her full name listed, if you know her you already know it. And I don't want her sending a message about herself that will negatively impact her opportunities, or even her social standing amongst her peers. And most importantly I don't want her to put herself in danger inadvertently. Frankly I think that as a parent if your child has an Internet presence. It is your responsibility to monitor it.

Does that make me a helicopter parent? I don't know.