What would the trials of teenage life be without friends? Friends are forever, friends can be trusted, friends are loyal, friends keep your secrets, friends want what is best for you...friends would never flirt with your boyfriend.
What? Never? Not even if he is really cute? What if you have never went out with him, what if you just like him? What if he asks me for my number? Can I flirt with him then?
Friendship? How do you define it? I have been working this question over and over in my brain since my daughter became a teenager. Girls today don't seem to know what friendship is. We live in an age where "Besties" change every week, with every profile change on MySpace. The pics get updated and so do the friends lists. The bestie this week, can be your nemesis next week. How do teach your child to navigate that fine line, and determine who their true friends really are?
First, in my own opinion you must define friendship for them. It is also important to ask them what they think friendship is, and what their expectations are from their friends. This is crucial because if they know what their expectations are it will save them huge heartaches and betrayals. Below are the standard definitions for friendship.
Friendship:
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.
or in my opinion a better definition...
Friendship:
1. The state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will.
The first set of definitions to me represent how most people seem to view friendship. This is true even of adults. Most people consider their co-workers their friends. In some cases they are, the relationships have developed over time and become true friends, in other cases these are relationships that will last only as long as the job does. So it is hard for some parents to teach their teenagers what friendship is because they may not have true friends themselves. However, most people have had at least one true friend in their life and can relate to what I am going to say.
The first set of definitions define a general positive feeling towards another person, that you have friendly relations with. Does that make them your friend? In my opinion that makes that individual a friendly acquaintance. Let me explain. To me an acquaintance is someone you have met or have known for a while that you like well enough to talk with, smile with, tell a joke or two. You might know small details about their personal life and can ask them about their family and chat about day to day life stuff. Maybe you even hang out once in a while. You like this person, are generally friendly and do not have bad feelings toward them. However, you could not call them in the middle of the night with a personal crisis, and probably wouldn't welcome a call from them in the same manner. The relationship has not achieved that intimacy between friends that defines true friendship, the kind of friendship where you know you can call on each other.
The second definition is closer to the mark because it states "...there is an attachment between persons that arises from mutual esteem and goodwill." What does that mean, that means that first there is a bond of caring between the two people, second it means that both individuals feel the attachment, and third it means that they want what is best for the other person.
"...there is an attachment between persons that arises from mutual esteem and goodwill."
A friendship occurs between two equals that care for each other and respect each other, you will note that this caring and respect must be present on both sides of the relationship. Friendships are not relationships in which one of the individuals is the lackey of the other. If you have a "friend" that always asks you to do them favors but doesn't spend much time with you otherwise, they are not really your friend. This person does not respect you or your time, and in most cases they don't even really appreciate what you do for them. Now if you are the person that has a lackey you might want to defend yourself and say, I appreciate them, I say Thank You! Sheeesh! But ask yourself this, what if they needed a favor from you? Would you be as available? Would you drop what you were doing, to help them? What if it was inconvenient for you? What if helping them causes you to miss out on something you are looking forward to? Would you sacrifice for them? If the answer to any of those questions is no, you are not their friend; your relationship is one-sided.
Goodwill is wanting what is best for another person, it is loving them through the tough times. It is honesty, and respect, and the willingness to face uncomfortable situations and conflicts together. It is being willing to have a conflict. In real friendships, you can tell the truth. Now for most people that statement is the killing blow to most of their "friendships" Most people either choose not to have the confrontation and just cease being friends, avoid phone calls, and talk s*** behind the other persons back. Or, have the conflict and as a result one or both parties decide that they no longer want the other persons friendship. These situations though painful generally result in purging you of a bad relationship, and later you will be relieved to be free of it. This does not mean that telling the truth is always easy, or it won't result and hurt feelings and maybe a fight, but real friends will get through it. Real friends can also admit they are wrong without the fear that their apology will be thrown back at them, or used against them to gain power in the relationship.
Finally, the last point I want to make for now, your friends should always allow you to be exactly who you are. You should not have to make yourself over for a friend. This includes accepting your friends limitations and understanding their character faults. Being a real friend means respecting each others individuality. That means not expecting all of your friends to be exactly the same, or worse to be the same as you. They may not react or do the same things your other friends do. Each friendship is a unique relationship; treat it that way.
p.s. more on this subject later;)
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