Friends Part I

What would the trials of teenage life be without friends? Friends are forever, friends can be trusted, friends are loyal, friends keep your secrets, friends want what is best for you...friends would never flirt with your boyfriend.


What? Never? Not even if he is really cute? What if you have never went out with him, what if you just like him? What if he asks me for my number? Can I flirt with him then?


Friendship? How do you define it? I have been working this question over and over in my brain since my daughter became a teenager. Girls today don't seem to know what friendship is. We live in an age where "Besties" change every week, with every profile change on MySpace. The pics get updated and so do the friends lists. The bestie this week, can be your nemesis next week. How do teach your child to navigate that fine line, and determine who their true friends really are?


First, in my own opinion you must define friendship for them. It is also important to ask them what they think friendship is, and what their expectations are from their friends. This is crucial because if they know what their expectations are it will save them huge heartaches and betrayals. Below are the standard definitions for friendship.


Friendship:

1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.


or in my opinion a better definition...


Friendship:


1. The state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will.


The first set of definitions to me represent how most people seem to view friendship. This is true even of adults. Most people consider their co-workers their friends. In some cases they are, the relationships have developed over time and become true friends, in other cases these are relationships that will last only as long as the job does. So it is hard for some parents to teach their teenagers what friendship is because they may not have true friends themselves. However, most people have had at least one true friend in their life and can relate to what I am going to say.


The first set of definitions define a general positive feeling towards another person, that you have friendly relations with. Does that make them your friend? In my opinion that makes that individual a friendly acquaintance. Let me explain. To me an acquaintance is someone you have met or have known for a while that you like well enough to talk with, smile with, tell a joke or two. You might know small details about their personal life and can ask them about their family and chat about day to day life stuff. Maybe you even hang out once in a while. You like this person, are generally friendly and do not have bad feelings toward them. However, you could not call them in the middle of the night with a personal crisis, and probably wouldn't welcome a call from them in the same manner. The relationship has not achieved that intimacy between friends that defines true friendship, the kind of friendship where you know you can call on each other.


The second definition is closer to the mark because it states "...there is an attachment between persons that arises from mutual esteem and goodwill." What does that mean, that means that first there is a bond of caring between the two people, second it means that both individuals feel the attachment, and third it means that they want what is best for the other person.


"...there is an attachment between persons that arises from mutual esteem and goodwill."


A friendship occurs between two equals that care for each other and respect each other, you will note that this caring and respect must be present on both sides of the relationship. Friendships are not relationships in which one of the individuals is the lackey of the other. If you have a "friend" that always asks you to do them favors but doesn't spend much time with you otherwise, they are not really your friend. This person does not respect you or your time, and in most cases they don't even really appreciate what you do for them. Now if you are the person that has a lackey you might want to defend yourself and say, I appreciate them, I say Thank You! Sheeesh! But ask yourself this, what if they needed a favor from you? Would you be as available? Would you drop what you were doing, to help them? What if it was inconvenient for you? What if helping them causes you to miss out on something you are looking forward to? Would you sacrifice for them? If the answer to any of those questions is no, you are not their friend; your relationship is one-sided.


Goodwill is wanting what is best for another person, it is loving them through the tough times. It is honesty, and respect, and the willingness to face uncomfortable situations and conflicts together. It is being willing to have a conflict. In real friendships, you can tell the truth. Now for most people that statement is the killing blow to most of their "friendships" Most people either choose not to have the confrontation and just cease being friends, avoid phone calls, and talk s*** behind the other persons back. Or, have the conflict and as a result one or both parties decide that they no longer want the other persons friendship. These situations though painful generally result in purging you of a bad relationship, and later you will be relieved to be free of it. This does not mean that telling the truth is always easy, or it won't result and hurt feelings and maybe a fight, but real friends will get through it. Real friends can also admit they are wrong without the fear that their apology will be thrown back at them, or used against them to gain power in the relationship.


Finally, the last point I want to make for now, your friends should always allow you to be exactly who you are. You should not have to make yourself over for a friend. This includes accepting your friends limitations and understanding their character faults. Being a real friend means respecting each others individuality. That means not expecting all of your friends to be exactly the same, or worse to be the same as you. They may not react or do the same things your other friends do. Each friendship is a unique relationship; treat it that way.

p.s. more on this subject later;)

The Problem with Butthead and other Boys

Is there anything worse than watching your beautiful teenager daughter struggle with the issue of boys? This is the hardest thing in the world to me. I just want to tell her what to do, I mean I do tell her what to do, she just doesn't listen;) So let me rephrase, I just want to tell her what to do and make her do it! But I know I can't, I won't, and most importantly I shouldn't.

She has reached that wonderful age where she is beginning the journey of trying to figure out the opposite sex. You know how it goes you try to assign meaning to every word, gesture, and look; and usually you get it all wrong. Sad but true. This is such a difficult situation I haven't wanted to burst her bubble and tell her that never changes...

Oops I guess I just did!

The Problem with Butthead

My daughter has had her first kiss in the last year, shocking but true. It was a requirement for her to have a quinceanera that she would not date, or kiss any boys until after her Quince. This was something she agreed too. She was not prohibited from having a boyfriend (the truth is you really can't stop them if they want to), it was just that she was given a choice to either have a boyfriend, or have a quinceanera. She knew her mama knows how to throw a party so she chose the quinceanera (which was a beautiful event). However, since her Quince this past July she is officially available for courtship.

As a result she has had her first major romance, minus the romance. The boy in question is affectionately known as Butthead in our house. This is a great name for him since being a boy of 16 he is frequently a butthead. This doesn't change the fact she loves the kid, she can't help it. Sadly, this is also true of me. I love the kid too. This is a major weakness for me, it prevents me from banning him from the house because he made her cry, or all other kinds of parental behavior that would be briefly satisfying and then disastrous. So what do I do? I have no choice but to let her try to work it out.

Working it out is a slow process. It is frustrating and difficult for me, I can only imagine how it feels for her. I have tried all kinds of helpful advice like, Move On, Like a new Boy, once (well more times than that) in a fit of desperation I even told her kiss a new boy, then you will get over him!

The problem is that she's shy, and Butthead is the only boy that ever really pursued her. He was brave enough to keep trying without much encouragement on her part, he even was willing to wait until after the quince to be her boyfriend. He was willing to put up with me her crazy mama, and he even liked me. But then it just didn't happen. He never asked her out. He comes around, cuddles with her, and occasionally is really sweet. Then he ignores her. He is a master of the game. Sometimes I want to choke him, but it's illegal. So I have to settle for picking on him which doesn't phase him in the least.

The problem with Other Boys

Now the problem with other boys, none of them are confident enough to pursue her. She is a beautiful girl, I don't say this because I am her mom, other people think so too. But once again she is shy. I think most mistake this as unavailable or uninterested, or maybe even stuck up. Who knows? In a world full of girls that are showing you their whole bodies on MySpace, and sending dirty text messages she is the odd one out. When these young boys have all these forward and sexually available girls out there, that require so little effort, who are they going to choose? You know who, so do I, and so does she.

How do I help her understand that it is not her. That she lacks nothing. That boys of that age are just driven by hormones, and fear of rejection. I talk to her, I tell her stories, I tell her all the consequences and pitfalls of promisicuous behavior and teenage sex. We talk about the consequences she has seen in the lives of her own friends. She knows my story... pregnant at 17 in high school. She knows all these things logically, but does her heart know it?

So what's the problem with Butthead and other Boys?

They are Boys, just trying to figure it out too. Boys that are learning the rules of this game in the same arena as our girls. Boys that have been conditioned to this outrageous mating behavior, that they think is normal. Boys who believe it should be that easy. Boys that don't know that anything worth having is worth working for. What are we teaching our boys? We spend a lot of time trying to teach our girls Purity and Self Respect; but fail to teach our boys the same things. We need to teach them how to respect themselves, what relationships really are, and how to respect our beautiful girls.